


Gilded dreams

by sylverkeller



Series: Woke up [2]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings (Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, And thorin is still emotionally constipated, BAMF Bilbo, BAMF OFC, Bilbo ring bearer, F/F, F/M, Kellers back, M/M, Multi, Other, Shit goes down, The lord of the rings happens a bit earlier than Gandalf planned, at least he loves the hobbit, like always
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-11
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-03-17 07:57:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3521495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylverkeller/pseuds/sylverkeller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>KELLERS BACK! And now, she has to find a way to help Bilbo on his quest to destroy the ring (thanks for speeding that up Keller =_=). Her mom, and her dog now at her back as she struggles to deal with the world again. And maybe, just maybe, she's all scrambled because of a certain someone (jk, Keller don't need no man!).<br/>*yes, my summary is wonky, but I haven't slept in 36 hours, gimme a break dude*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home sweet home?

I woke up from my sleep, to find my dog Rex laying on my chest. "Rex...dude you're killing me you fat lard...." I groaned as I playfully tossed the Great Dane off my bed and onto the hardwood floors of my mom's house. Wait. Mom's house? 

I sat up, taking in the floral comforter and the outdated furniture of my childhood home. The sunlight filtered in softly through the blinds and I took in every detail of a home I had not seen in almost eight months. I felt a sense of home fill me and tears sprung to my eyes.

"Honey?" Mom walked in, eyebrows scrunched in confusion as I sobbed and hugged my dog as though it was the last time I'd ever see it. "Honey, Keller, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

My mother, Kieren Edan was not a stupid woman. And she did not believe me when I told her I was just tired. "Mom, I-I'm fine. I just, I missed being home."

Mom smiled and pulled me into a hug, "Oh honey! I told you that moving to Toronto was a bad idea! You can always come home, ya hear? I don't want to hear my baby girl crying over anything like homesickness ok?"

I remembered that I lived in Canada and not Middle Earth and instead of feeling like I was home, I missed my friends back there too. I had missed this home though, the warm smiles and the perpetually homey feel of my childhood home. "I'm fine. I just missed you and my friends and I don't know I had a weird dream last night." 

Mom smiled again, pulling me into the kitchen as decadent smells filled my nostrils, "Good thing I made your fave- pancakes with a shit ton of syrup."

I laughed as i saw a giant stack of flap jacks on the counters of the kitchen I had spent eighteen years in, "Holy mother of Mahal that is a lot of flap jacks!"

"Mother of Mahal?" My mom looked at me like she was just realizing what a nerd she had given birth to before shaking her head, "You dork, eat your flappin' flap jack alright."  
I sat down and enjoyed the scent of maple and sugar-y warmness before sinking into blissful deliciousness.

~Over in M.E with the company~

"What do you mean 'disappeared'!?!" Thorin was not a happy man. In fact, he was down right livid. "Find her! NOW!" 

Thorin had not spent almost a year with the insane woman to have her suddenly up and leave them in the middle of their official reclamation of Erebor. And, not that he would ever admit it, he was rather fond of Keller.

Gandalf raised his hands in defense and looked at the king in utter disbelief,"I am just telling you what i have witnessed! She was falling asleep one moment and the next she was gone! Strange things are afoot."

Thorin rubbed at his temples, today had been stressful enough, without the child going missing, and now he just wished for death to steal him quickly. He groaned before giving orders for a search team to locate his....friend.

"Mahal have mercy on my poor self." He muttered as he began to organize a second team of Dain's men, because the Valar knew that in this mountain anything could happen and Keller could be anywhere.

~wooh is this the end of our heroes? I dun' think so~(also, back with Keller)

"So," My mom was hounding me, saying that a lot had changed since I had last come to visit her, "You swear you didn't meet anyone? You're acting like you got caught gettin' it on like when you were younger."

"MOM!" I shouted, bright red and probably fit to burst into flames, "It's not like that! I just, I made some new friends in Toronto and I kinda miss them- they were like my family while I worked there..." That strange tightness in my chest as I thought of my boys and what they might be doing now. The Durins (Fundinson cousins included)would probably be arguing about what to do with the reorganization of the city, Bilbo would be trying to feed his dwarves fit to burst at the seams, Gandalf was hopefully destroying the Ring, the sons of Ri were hopefully not arguing over Dwalin and Nori's -er- courtship or Ori's want to be independent (poor boy), and Oin and Gloin were probably bugging everybody with how beautiful their wives were and how they couldn't wait to see them (when Oin wasn't mishearing everything and yelling out obscene things). 

I shook my head as Mom sent me a concerned look and placed a hand on my shoulder, "Honey, it's ok to miss them. Just like you can miss me baby girl. As long as you don't miss your god-awful father it's all just part of being human. Seriously, no one should actively miss your Dad, he's -he's just a giant asshole- can't believe I married him." And then I tuned Mom out as she ranted on her marriage to such a scoundrel as my dad (well, he was a drug lord, can you really blame her? She didn't even know until they'd been married for almost twenty years and I was already sixteen!). 

I pondered my weird mood swings instead. Sure, while I had been in ME I had had the time of my life, well, aside from almost dying several times. And, no time seemed to have passed while I was gone from here. So maybe I had dreamed it.....  
As soon as that thought had entered my mind I had felt a horrible pain in my abdomen and I winced, lifting up my shirt to find a giant scar there, "Where the hell did this come from!?!" I shouted, falling off my stool at the island.  
Mom jumped off her perch as well, kneeling by my side as I looked at the jagged line in my flesh, " When did you get that?!"

"I don't fucking know!" I scooted up against the wall and tried to hold off the confusion I had.

Mom then pointed out the giant scar along my leg, pointing towards an old wound, "What the hell is that?"  
"I don't know?!" I started hyperventilating, "Mom I can't remember getting that and I know that I haven't gotten hurt since I left home!" That was a blatant lie, but I'm pretty sure that going to Middle Earth was becoming more and more like a bad dream.


	2. Doctor feel goods

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller ends up at the doctor's.... and they say some weird things.... that may or may not tell her that she wasn't just dreaming.  
> Great...  
> Thorin, on the other hand, is still freaking out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Guess who actually slept! This author!

~And that's how you end up at the hospital~

I sighed as we sat in the doctor's office, people milling around us in borderline catatonic dazes. Mom had insisted we visit her friend Jared to find out when exactly I had gotten my wounds (although a sinking feeling in the bottom of my gut told me that it was from the battle of five armies) and how they had been inflicted.

"Ms. Edan? Dr. Stein will see you now!" I jolted out of my seat after inadvertently falling asleep.

"I'm up! Where's my sword?" I twirled in a defensive position and pushed my mom to the floor as I prepared to fight my way home, "Uhhhhh...sorry." I blushed and grimaced heavily while everyone looked at me like I was crazy.

The nurse, a small girl with muddy brown hair and rather dazzling green eyes (hey, I'm crazy but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a beautiful woman every once in a while) looked at me like I might suddenly turn into a drooling mess of a psych case. But she continued to lead us into the labyrinth of halls at the office and into a small room covered in uplifting (I'm so sarcastic it hurts sometimes) medical posters and informational pamphlets about ebola.

Mom turned to me as we sat down, "Anything you wanna tell me missy?"   
My eyes widened as I realized my mom was not going to be taking any more of my bull. 

"Uhhhhhhhhhh..." I shrugged my shoulders , " the internet?"  
Mom facepalmed and she glared at me, " Keller Edan you and I both know that is a crock of shit, tell me. It has something to do with those scars doesn't it?"

I didn't get to reply as George Stein, my mom's friend, waltzed in smiled graciously like he was God's personal gift to women (he was gorgeous but I didn't need any more inflated male egos for a while). "Hello ladies- Kieren! You look even prettier than last time!"

Kieren Edan just harumphed, " Thanks George, now tell me what the hell happened to my baby girl."

Dr.Stein laughed, "Alright," he snapped his stethoscope out of his pocket, "Let's begin the biopsy."

~One SUPER uncomfortable biopsy later~

Stein looked really confused as we got the results back, "Your stomach scar is from when you were 16 and the broken leg is from when she was 12." 

"But Keller never broke her leg when she was twelve and she never got some big-ass scar when she was sixteen." Mom was freaking out, and I felt that growingly familiar sense of dread fill me.

"Keller?" Mom stared at me with that look- the one that said that she was just deeply disappointed I hadn't told her something, "Keller what aren't you telling me?"

I felt the urge to tell, but no time had passed in this world, I had no guarantee my mother would understand what I had experienced, "Youllthinkimcrazy.." I mumbled.  
Dr.Stein took this as his cue and left in an awkward shuffle, "I'm just gonna..there's another.... see you all in a bit."

"Honey," Mom took my fiddling hands in hers and gave them a gentle squeeze, " I will never think you're crazy... just please tell me."

I sighed, "We had best be at home then... this is a lot to take in and I don't need Dr.Stein sending me to the psych ward."

~oh man that got intense way faster than I thought it would- let's go check on the boys~

Thorin paced up and down the hall, it had been almost a day since he had seen the child he had come to see fondly (not that he would ever admit that- he can barely admit he likes Bilbo out loud) and he was gravely worried that she had hurt herself. He cursed himself for not setting a guard at her door earlier and making sure that she would be fine. He had thought she would surely be ok, she was with Gandalf for Mahal's sake!

"Thorin- you need to stop wearing holes in the carpet- she'll be found." A soft hand snaked it's way up his shoulder and the king stopped and looked down at his heart- his Azyungal- and tried not to sigh too loudly.

"Givashal, I am just worried, she may be a formidable warrior but she is lost easily without the stars and sun to guide her. She is only a child." Thorin had never felt so guilty in his life, not since he had to begrudgingly agree that Keller had indeed helped the quest. He was not blind, he thought, as he saw how blindly panicked his company was. The men he had traveled with had felt affectionate over that girl since she had first beat him at dagger throwing. 

Bilbo rubbed a comforting hand between his shoulders in an attempt to lessen the stress building in his shoulders, "We will find her - We have Gandalf here after all!- worry not Thorin."

Gandalf burst in as the two had begun to swim in their heart's eyes, " I have found traces of godly magic around Keller's chamber. She has been taken from us by one of the Valar or a God of another world!" The istar looked upset (thorin realized he too felt protective of the girl who had lead their company far more he).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... i have basically all the bullshitted first half done, and I'll try to post them in a timely fashion. Also, thanks for all the sweet messages and comments. I literally blushed in the middle of class when I read them.


	3. Well... that went well.... ish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some shit goes down, sad moments are had, and maybe Keller will tell her momma what's up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still super fucking sleep deprived, but hey, what's a girl to do?  
> Anyways, sorry for the delay, but here's your next chapter!  
> Enjoy and remember to leave comments to I can sit at my desk and flail like a headless chicken in class!

Mom sat quietly as I finished my tale. "And then I fell asleep and woke up here. Mom, I spent almost a year in Middle Earth. I- I gave up on getting back to you." My shoulders felt lighter as I ended. I hadn't realized it, but since I had woken up almost twelve hours ago I had felt a pressure of lying about my adventure.

Mom looked up at me, eyes wide, "You almost died? And I wasn't there to kill everything that endangered my baby girl?"

I breathed a sigh of relief and laughed, "SO I'm NOT going to the funny farm?"

Kieren Edan was a woman of many colors, as it seemed, " Honey, I know every time you've gotten hurt since you were born, and I can tell you full well that my baby girl did not break her leg or have some nasty scar when she was little. And since your Dad got the twins I paid extra attention to the last years of my baby's life until now. You don't lie and when you do it's only to protect your family."

I laughed again, tears now pricking at my eyes, "Thanks Mom!" I shouted, feeling better than I had since I was really little and hugged my momma from across the coffee table.   
I had expected my mother to reject my story, to send me to the psych ward and that I would never be able to see the light of freedom again. And now that I had told my story, light and joy illuminated the recesses of the soul I had feared was going to be seriously damaged from my battles in Middle Earth.

"So is that who you were talking about, your new friends, the ones you said were like family?" Mom questioned, eyes raised as I pulled back and laughed again.

"Yes, although Thorin didn't really seem to like me until the last leg of my journey.... I kinda miss them you know?" I shrugged my shoulders as the sense of want settled in the place the dread had occupied, " The boys were like brothers and Gandalf was kinda like a weird uncle or something- except I think he probably wouldn't have minded sending me home."

Mom squeezed my hands before retreating to the kitchen to get us some soothing hot chocolates and maybe a bit of whiskey to ease us into the latter part of the day. "Honey, " She called from the hall, "I know they're now your family- mine too if I ever get the chance to meet these fine boys- but I don't think we'll be seeing them anytime soon. Unless you meet one of those Valar people and beg 'me to send you (and me too young miss!) back to your friend's world."

I felt a twinge of sadness streak through me but Rex pounced at my feet and just like that it was gone. And I accepted the mug of Irish coco thankfully and I waited for life to go on. Because it would, and all I had to do was wait for it to whisk me along too. "Thanks I needed that."

Mom just patted my arm and smiled, "Nothin' to it baby girl. Wanna watch some Supernatural?" She now grinned wickedly as she tempted me with my biggest weakness. Maybe I could work past this, maybe….

~wow, less depressing, good job!~

Gandalf burst in as the two had begun to swim in their heart's eyes, " I have found traces of godly magic around Keller's chamber. She has been taken from us by one of the Valar to another world!" The istar looked upset (Thorin realized he too felt protective of the girl who had lead their company far more than he). 

"Is there no way to retrieve her?!" Bilbo seemed most upset, "Do you know how she fares?"

"I fear I do not know how Keller fairs." And they went silent as all in the room absorbed this new information. The knowledge did nothing to ease their fears.


	4. Awwww my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller meets a fine lady and some things happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey man, still super freaking sleep deprived. Except now I have to be surrounded by my bigoted cousins. Yayyyyyyyy..... (super sarcasm is super sarcastic).

I woke up on the couch at around 4am. "Whaaa?" I normally slept through the night (except that part when I was going to die constantly on the road) and I couldn't immediately find out where the source of whatever was waking me up was coming from.

Looking around the room, I saw that there was a faint glow coming from the kitchen. That cannot be good. I crept forward, wanting to be as stealthy as one can be when I was no longer in a body that was hardened to warrior standards (the eight months in ME was not kind to my softer body just now) and desperately try not to alert whatever was happening in my food making area (lovely names, brain).

"I can see you my child." A woman's voice called as I rounded the island, "I mean you no harm, please stand Keller Edan."  
I popped up to see a woman of indescribable beauty looking at me while surrounded by a soft silvery glow. "Uhh hi?"

"Keller Edan, you have experienced much. Two lives you have spent my dear. And my husband and I have thought long and hard over your longings- that which you cannot voice for yourself. We have decided to let you choose- whichever life you wish to live, whether in this world or the one with your friends." She whispered it, but I felt the weight of the words fall heavily on my heart and mind.

I had to think deeply about this. Sure, I loved the amenities of my more modern world. But the company had become my family, they had lifted my spirits up from a place I thought it would never drop to and I would gladly do the same for them. It was a hard decision, especially since I didn't know if I would ever see my mother again if I left this time.

Speak of the devil, my mom walked into the kitchen, still wobbly from her drink earlier (mom had always been a lightweight) and nearly fell all the way over when she walked in on my conversations with one of the Valar (because who else could have sent me to ME?). "MOTHER OF GOD WHO ARE YOU?" 

The glowing woman smiled and chuckled softly behind her hand, " I see Keller has inherited her sense of tact from her mother. I am Yavanna, wife of Aule, and creator of the shire folk. I come to offer your daughter a place either amongst her friends or to remain in this world."

"Well, Yavanna, that's all fine and dandy but someone needs to accompany my baby girl when she gets there, heaven knows where her big mouth will get her." My mom calmly countered, recovering remarkably well after meeting a goddess, "I should like to accompany her if she chooses to leave here."

Yavanna smiled, understanding in her eyes, " I will see to it that you do, as well as your hound, because once I transport you there you will no longer be present in this world."

It was my turn to nearly fall over as I realized that I could do what I had yearned for. I could go on to be in Middle Earth as the girl with a shit-ton of name (thanks for that Dwalin) and we would probably be reported missing in a few weeks, but I would be able to live happily amongst my friends and new family. Sure it would be hard not to miss my few friends up in Toronto, but who cared? I would be in freaking MIDDLE EARTH!? I took a deep breath before turning to the goddess and my mother, "I believe that going back to Middle Earth would be in my best interest, for no other world has so captured my heart. As long as Rex and my mother can accompany I shall want for nothing more, except maybe that I can quickly change into a suitable outfit."

Yavanna smiled widely at that, "But of course child, go and change and we shall transport you home. Your friends miss you sorely, so be swift."  
My smile nearly dominated my entire face as I raced upstairs to change, I was going HOME?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave me some kudos and comments. It pushes me to edit these chapters quicker. Also, yeah, this might not make much sense but I've already re-written it like twenty times....so yeah, tell me what I might have done wrong.


	5. More visits from the Valar 0-0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller goes home, but not this chapter. Instead, let's see the boys have some visitors instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys..... sorry for not posting earlier. I'm with my family still. yay.....(not)

Thorin paced around his chambers while Gandalf and Bilbo watched him in a mixture of worry and empathy towards his situation. It couldn't have been easy to know that you had lost your dear friend (for now he could admit it, though not loudly) and one of your few citizens when you had only a handful. By Mahal's Beard she was one of fourteen! (not counting Dain's men, who had promised to stay only long enough for spring to arrive with the first caravan from Ered Luin) and Thorin could not find hide nor hair of her anywhere in or around the mountain,

"Thorin, love, we will find her. Take heart that she will be ok. Keller is a grown woman after all." Bilbo tried to placate his pacing friend and new lover.

"Aye, my child, take heart. Even now she seeks a way back to you." A voice that was not one any present in the room could place called, revealing a dwarf shrouded in a blazing fire that lit up his countenance like a torch in the inky blackness of a cave, nearly blinding and yet captivating as Thorin found himself nearly dumb with awe. 

"Aule. M'lord I did not expect you any time soon." Gandalf bowed to the Valar and Bilbo soon followed suit.

The dwarf laughed at that, his ever changing hair and eyes burning brightly in mirth, " Tharkun, I did not expect you in the company of my children. But that is not important, Thorin, I need you to answer this question quickly if you wish to see your friend once more. My wife Yavanna goes to the world where your hero lies and if she accepts our offers then we shall see her soon in this world again. But know this, she brings with her more members of her land and if I was to return her to you I need to know if you will accept these new additions. They will all perish if they are left to their own devices and if you turn them out I will be forced by the duties to the power that lies in Keller's heart to turn my back to your sorrows. Do you understand my son?" Mahal placed a calloused hand on the king's shoulder, releasing a warmth into the other dwarf's bones and straight into his core. 

Without thinking Bilbo stood next to his new found love, "Of course, he will accept him. If he doesn't I will personally see to it that he gets a sound lashing from his friends - and Dis- heaven forbid she find out you let them die Thorin, the only person I fear more than Dis would be, well, you Aule."

The God looked at the halfling, who nearly shook with the passion held in his previous outburst, and he laughed, a deep warm sound. "Such a fire in this one, I can hardly believe you are solely my wife's children! If such a promise can be made by one of the most honest species then surely your friend and her new additions will be fine!" And just like that there was a gust of strong air that smelled vaguely of ashes and metal and earth and the Valar was gone, leaving the trio in a state of confusion.

"Well, I think that went well." Thorin smiled wryly before passing out.

"Oh dear..." Bilbo sighed, looking at the handsome dwarf on the floor of his own apartments, "Thorin will not be very comfortable on the floor."

Gandalf just shook his head and beckoned the hobbit follow him, "Come Bilbo, we have Keller's apartments to arrange if Aule was correct. I expect them here in no less than four days." And they left in a hurry, trying not to snigger too greatly at the fact their friend had passed out like a swooning teen and was now sleeping on his floors with his bum in the air like a drunkard. Not that that worked very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comments and kudos, and I will try to upload in a couple more days.


	6. On the road again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller ends up in ME again.

"Keller, what is expected of me? You know I'm really only good with sewing and cooking, don't they need warriors and stronger people?" Mom was nervous as she pulled on a thick tee and some skinny jeans (my sense of style was totally inherited from her- the sweats were just a fluke because I was sleeping- for christ's sake) while I finished putting a harness on Rex and making sure I wouldn't lose the great dane in our whirlwind.

" Mom, if Thorin will let us stay in Erebor- he damn well should, I saved his sorry behind and broke my leg in the process- we will need a tailor and Bombur loves to cook with people, you will be fine." I reassure, now pulling on a medium weight jacket that would do it's job should we end up somewhere other than my previous room at Erebor.

Yavanna smiled when we returned, gently petting Rex as he nudged the goddess, "It is time my friends. Hold onto one another when you arrive, for I cannot always send you all to the same place otherwise." 

Mom and I hugged each other tightly, each of us putting one leg near the dog while I gripped his leash tightly in one hand. "Thank you Yavanna, for all that you've done for me." I remembered my manners before I felt myself seemingly being ripped apart at the molecular level and put back together hastily while engulfed in darkness.

When we hit solid ground it was with bone jarring impact and I groaned in pain. "Mom? Rex? You guys ok?" I asked as my eyes adjusted and I found myself in a familiar cave system, surrounded by surprised goblins.

"MY QUEEN!" A few dozen shouted, torches being lit immediately so that I could see my subjects properly (aw man, Gandlaf is going to KILL ME!). 

The shouting quieted when Sneak appeared (so the little bugger was still up and running, that was- idk, heartening? is that a word?) with a badly made crown that was made from what looked like iron, "My Queen, you have returned to us. Has your quest gone as planned?"

I grimaced/grinned awkwardly as I dusted myself off and pulled Rex next to me, "My quest is a success, I have conquered not only the lonely mountain, but I have also taken the head of Azog the Defiler for endangering my other subjects." The other subjects whooped and hollered at this, glad to just see me (they seemed to be hopelessly stupid and cruel- like children almost- without a leader to guide them). I smiled again and patted Sneak on the head before gesturing to my mother and dog, "These are part of the my family, and shall also be treated as your royalty until I leave again for another quest, my people in the Misty Mountain, the Lonely Mountain must be supervised while in rebuilding before I let my goblin subjects join such a home." I was interrupted by excited hollering again and I held a hand to silence the disgusting people (jeez- was I always this connivingly awful with people or just stupid servants of evil?) ," I will need supplies for my quest and when I return it will be with gold and riches beyond our wildest dreams, for Erebor is filled with untold treasures." I boasted, smiling as the a few goblins fell to their deaths off the rickety wooden structures in their excitement.

Sneak smiled at me, a horrible, sharp-toothed, grin and handed me the crown, "Then you still stand as our Queen, your Highness. Welcome home!" He then took my hand (not before looking up to check I had no weapons) , "Come! We have made you rooms while you were gone, we shall hold a great feast in honor of your return!" And when I turned around to check on Mom and Rex (who was trying his hardest not to touch the gross goblins) I saw them being lead similarly after me.

"It is well then, but I must leave on the morrow, my quest is of the utmost importance to assure that both my kingdoms remain strong." I smiled sweetly, trying to ignore the fact I did not mind ruling over these people so much now that they had proven they wouldn't kill me the minute I came back. I also tried to ignore the fact my mom's eyes were nearly popping out of her head as we arrived at a set of rooms higher up in the system (I assume, since I think I saw a window in one hallway we walked through) and were presented a set of thick stone doors.

"Your rooms Queen...." Sneak bowed before grabbing the goblins and running back.  
I thanked his backside as he retreated and hurried my mom and dog into the room. Sliding a rather impressive deadbolt over the door tops, and then promptly fell against the slabs of stone, sliding down until I was on the floor. "Well, we sure landed in a bad place. But hey, at least we leave tomorrow right?" I looked up to see my mom with a look of demanding curiosity.

"So- Queen?! When did that happen in your adventures? I thought you said you were just some sort of heroine?!" Mom asked, voice cracking at the last bit, "And what were those things? They were hideous and practically screamed 'hey look at me I'm a bad guy!'" She waved her hands in the air to emphasize and I winced in genuine remorse, "Explain young lady!"

"Uh, remember when I told you we went through the Mines of Moria? And we didn't die?"I started, continuing after Mom gave me a sharp nod, "Well, I may have killed their prized killing machine and then Gandalf killed their king but they decided I was a good queen or something and now...well, we didn't die this time either." I then grimaced in memory of the throne we had seen, made entirely out of bones, "I'm gonna totally need a new throne though."

Mom just started, "And....we're leaving and never coming back right? After tomorrow we never come back?" She shivered despite her heavy wool coat, "I don't think I can handle coming to live here...permanently.Man, I am tired all a sudden."

I smiled, pointing to the dusty bed behind her, "Then sleep, I'm going to see if I can't get them to find me some old weapons we can use. " I watched carefully as my mom shook down the sheets (and nearly sneezed her brains out) before giving up and sliding between the sheets equally carefully and pull Rex up and into her side, "Oh, and deadbolt this door, I will know three times and then wait four seconds before repeating, don't let anyone else in ok?" I got up, no longer so disgusted with myself for enjoying my position of power and left, listening for the snick! of the deadbolt. I had work to do, a kingdom to set up to hopefully not kill me before I left tomorrow morning.

~Skip to the Lonely mountain peeps 'cuz we love them~

Gandalf suddenly fell over, gripping his staff hard as he tried to regain the breath that had left him with his footing. 

"Gandalf?!" Bilbo cried, running to his tall friend, "Are you ok? Should I call for one of the healers? I think Oin's still up!"

The grey wizard waved off his concerned friend, "No Master Baggins, I am merely struck with the power of the Valar, someone has been brought back to Arda- I think it is Keller, though she is not alone this time." He wheezed once before standing erect once more, "   
Let us retire though, she is far off and in no danger at the moment as far as I can discern. We shall send a party to find her on the morrow. Come friend, we have much to do in the morning."


	7. Ugh.... MORE fucking travelling and creepy things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller sees some people she'd rather not right now.  
> Thorin is a little cross.  
> Gandalf is a little shit.... like usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know guys....you probably fucking hate me and my inconsistent updating since I had my last book written, edited, and posted within a month..... but real life is a fucking pimp-slapping bitch.  
> Anyways, enjoy my small update while I frantically try to make sure that I didn't fuck up my alternative universe (I should 'probably' add that to the tags-woops) and yeah... I may have deleted most of this book..... hehe?

I returned to the room in the early morning, nearly sick from all the awful things I'd seen in my 'kingdom'. The goblins didn't eat anything but meat and what wasn't the awful creepy-crawlies of the mines was bits and pieces of their brethren laid out on their crudely hewn tables. They offered them all to me and I refused time and time again under the guise of being full and not needing anything for at least another day. 

"Mom?" I called as I knocked on the door and waited for her.

There was shuffling and I thought I heard something fall over before my mom opened the door, "You didn't get any sleep did you?"

I rolled my eyes, "Wow, thanks for noticing the bags. Hurry up, "I passed her a dagger Sneak had given me, "Take this, I'll teach you how to use it later but right now we need to go and hurry. I want to be at the carrock in a week at least. And I think I know a cave we can sleep in tonight. "

She looked at me in all my grumpy, sleep-deprived-glory and just rolled her eyes right back at me, "Just give me a second, Rex is still asleep, the lazy little turd."  
Ugh, today had such promise.

~one creepy trip with sneak to the surface later~

I turned to my goblin subject, "I shall return soon. Do not come for me or I will be very cross and there is a chance I WILL be angered enough to free your head from your shoulders. I will return when I return. "

The little monster nodded hastily and scampered back into the darkness. I breathed a sigh of relief as he left, "Well... that went well." 

I turned to my mom and raised an eyebrow, "At least I didn't have to fight a warg this time." 

"WHAT?!" Dammit, I knew that was a bad idea.

"Well.... y'see..." I began as we trekked down to the cave I was pretty sure I saw on a map when we were in Mirkwood was. Please dear Valar be there. I will fucking lose it if I have to take the night watch over my mother and dog. I don't know how much longer I can take being all nice when all I want to do is sleep and not wake up for a solid day and a half again.

~wow Keller, you need some god damned coffee- let's check on the boys~

Thorin looked at his lover and Tharkun, both of whom looked like they had been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. "Well?! Do you know where she is?"

Tharkun grimaced awkwardly, "Well, I think she is somewhere in the Misty Mountains and should be at Beorn's within two weeks. At this rate she will have returned to Erebor in less than three months."

Bilbo smiled widely, "You told me I should not expect her back until next year! Gandalf, why didn't you tell me?!" The hobbit clapped his hands merrily and in his excitement ran to his lover and threw his arms around him haphazardly, "Isn't this wonderful?!"

Thorin patted Bilbo absentmindedly as he planned how to welcome back the savior of Erebor, "We will have to send an envoy to retrieve her in Mirkwood to avoid those tree-shaggers from trying to keep her there, I know Thranduil seems to adore her." His upper lip curled up at the thought of his least favorite elf trying to hold his company's favorite human hostage.

Bilbo said nothing but nodded into Thorin's chest. This was wonderful! It was almost like his life was a fairytale!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehehehe??? Uhhhhh sorry? Please leave me kudos and comments and give me your thoughts. If all goes well I think I might post some more in different fandoms..... maybe.....   
> ♥Sylver


	8. More travelling...and stuff....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller, Kieren, and Rex are headed over the Misty Mountains and Keller is a whiner.   
> Thorin sends his friends to go an pick up the stupid one (y'know the one with a shit-ton of names?)  
> Mainly filler, action should return in about a chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS! HERES SOME FILLER! ACTION SHOULD BE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER AND ABOUT THREE MORE CHAPTERS UNTIL WE ACTUALLY GET AROUND TO THAT WHOLE 'DESTROY THE RING' STUFF.... STAY STRONG CHILDREN!

I lifted myself off the cave floor, listening to my bones crack in protest of the unforgiving surface. I moaned in response and stretched out as I heard the other members of my little party wake. 

"How the hell did you do this for eight months straight?" Mom groaned as her bones cracked even more, "I feel like someone worked me over with a slugger."

I laughed through a yawn and stood, helping her up, "I still feel like that, but at least I'm not a dinosaur."

"Not funny young lady! In some places I could be your biggest sister." My mom shoved me around and we packed up and trekked our way through the last bit of the Misty Mountains. No doubt that this would be a long trek if this continued on (the complaining, not the trekking, that would be over in less than three months).

"Ugh." I moaned as we walked up - again- , "I just can't wait till I can lay down in my bed in Erebor and die a little. Don't worry I'll let you sleep in my room until we get you your own." I don't know if I was being extra whiny because it was my mom and not a group of testosterone-addle-minded-brained-dwarves, or maybe because my leg wasn't really all that healed now that we were back in M.E., not broken, but it still hurt like a fucking bitch.

~Wow, Keller has become such a whiner, wtf man???~

Over in Erebor Dwalin,Kili,Fili, and Ori were suiting up to go and retrieve their friend....and her guests (Tharkun wasn't exactly very detailed about the whole situation). 

"You are to wait at Beorn's home for Keller. Make sure she has enough time to rest or she might behead you." Thorin smiled and Fili nearly fell of his horse, Thorin?????? Making a joke????? Did the sky begin to fall?????

Dwalin just chuckled and patted the young prince's head before heading for the gate on his pony, "Come along boys. And shut your mouths so that the flies don't swarm you."

Thorin hid his smirk behind his hand, "Do as he says and try not to die."

~d'aww that was cute! And.... What the shit?! Thorin???? Showing emotions other than anger and love for his hobbit?!!!!????????? WHAAAAA???~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being a total turd and drawing out this book longer than the last one but eh.... I think this one has less continuity errors than the last one. But whatever.... If you haven't given Kudos or a comment yet I would love it if you did. They make me all happy and overly pterodactyl-y (meaning I flap my arms around and squawk like a weirdo).


	9. Dammit Keller!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller is a dipshit and is attacked by something....again....and Momma freaks the fuck out because of this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this took so long but my mom kind of commandeered my laptop due to a surgery she had last week. And because of that, until my mother is feeling better these chapters will be sparse. But just remember KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON.....thinking Keller Edan is a fucking idiot.

I woke up that morning in soft grass and Rex licking my face. "Hehehe, Reexxx! Stop it!" I giggled helplessly and tried not to squirm and kick Mom in the face.

"Keller, Rex is over here..." Mom's voice floated to me from a little ways away.

I opened my eyes to see a large, dark wolf, looking at me with hunger in it's eyes.  
Man, why the universe gotta hate on me like that?! What in the fucking world did I do to deserve this. I screamed and rolled away, internally cursing myself as I scrambled to grab my dagger which was very inconveniently over by my stuff like, ten feet away. "Why does the universe hate me?!" I screeched as mom just jumped back and Rex looked torn between running and attacking the wolf as it pounced after me.

I was surprised no one stumbled upon us, or at the very least a small group of orcs, considering how loud we were being. Mom was screaming, I was screaming and banging our camping gear around, Rex was barking, the wolf was growling and howling as i kept running away from it. I was actually really surprised there weren't more wolves.

I finally grabbed my dagger as the wolf bit down on my previously broken leg, "ARE YOU FRACKING KIDDING ME?!" I screamed in pain as the wolf did not loosen it's hold on my limb. I hacked at the squirming monster and got it across the muzzle, making it whine and release as I struggled to get up, "Let's go pretty boy! Now it's personal." Why all the smack talk? It's not like the wolf could reply to my witty banter? I contemplated this as blood began pouring from my bite wound, and... ARE YOU SHITTING ME? MY JEANS ARE RIPPED NOW! I lunged at the wolf as he came at me, the wolf hooking its paws around my back as I tried to stab it in the face. These are my favorite jeans! 

Mom continued screaming in the background as I finally sank my knife into the canine's shoulder, making it yelp in pain and I smiled, "Hasta Lavista puta! " I laughed (am I high or something? I think I should be a little more worried) psychotically and finished the job. Falling back in a huff.

Mom ran to me, "Oh my god Keller! Are you okay?!" She began looking me over and freaked at the leg wound, "Oh my GOD HOW DO I FIX THAT!!!"

DAMMIT, I haven't even been awake long enough for this. 

~

Walking was now a bitch. I had a rather rudimentary bandage around my upper thigh that was turning a darker red every minute. I could barely shuffle along, and mom was so shaken that she wasn't in much better condition.

"Keller, we need to find someplace to stop." Mom huffed as we made our way down a new peak. By this point I could see the forest that surrounded the Carrock, and I would be six feet under if I let myself stay out of reach of that stupid fucking rock just because I didn't feel good.

"We'll be fine, we just have to make it to the edge of that forest. We'll be ok then." I choked in between my increasingly labored breaths. "Just, the forest." My limbs felt heavier as we came to a field across from the trees. 

Mom walked up to me and put a hand on my shoulder, "Keller, we need to stop before you collapse." She pointed down to my leg's bandage which was now almost completely red. "You can't keep going on like that!"

I shook myself out of her hold and kept ambling forward, waving my hand behind me as we continued across the field, "I'll be fine. We can sleep when we get to that circle of trees." I was barely at the middle of the grass circle that seemed to go on forever, 

"We'll...be...fine..." I slurred, and then fell head over arse onto my face as blackness engulfed me...again. (dammit)

~Dammit child, can you keep from hurting yourself for more than two days!?~

Gandalf felt it as soon as Kieren started freaking out. "Something is gravely wrong with Keller and her company."

Thorin, who had been going over the paperwork for that day's legislation, "What is it?" He set down the current report on the repairs on the main hall and grabbed a clean piece of parchment and a raven messenger, "Should I send a message to Beorn and the boys?"

The old wizard shook his head, "I am not sure yet. It seems that Keller has been injured and fallen unconscious but I cannot tell if she will recover by the morrow. It was one of her companions who alerted me to the fact. As soon as Keller hit the ground they started going into hysterics."

Thorin scribbled what Tharkun had said and tied it up onto the raven's set, "I will send a message to the envoy, they must go and assist Keller's company if she is so injured."  
The dark bird took Thorin's instructions and left with a screech and a flurry of wings before flying out one of the few windows in the mountain. Hopefully it would reach the company in time.

~Annndddd, that was kinda not so....fun.....~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, don't forget to leave kudos and comments, they give me lots of inspiration to keep this going for you guys! And... I may or may not be trying to get a real book published soon so if you guys like this keep an eye out for me freaking out and screeching so loudly you can here me all the way from America because someone thought my shitty writing is awesome!


	10. Family reunion....and Keller is a grouch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller is not doing so hot now that she has a big bite on her leg. Also, FAMILY REUNION!!!! YAY!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for my sparse updates! But I should start uploading once a week now that I have my laptop back and we're catching up to the what I have planned ahead....also, I don't really have a plan, just kinda wingin' it now that I've almost completely left the canon. May use the movies for a few good scenes and the end product. STAY STRONG AND IF YOU READ THIS TO THE END I WILL LITERALLY LOVE YOU FOREVER

I woke briefly for a moment after hitting my head on something (I think it was a root?) and opened my eyes to see dark shapes around me. The trees a dark and foreboding canopy above me. I groaned in pain and heard what was probably my mom's voice.

"We're almost to the rock baby."

And then it was dark for a long time.

When I woke up again I was looking into the open sky around the Carrock. My leg felt like someone had taken a red hot fire poker to my legs and I of course did the sensible thing and screamed like a bloody banshee.

"Well, it seems she's doing just fine." I heard a gruff voice from above me and suddenly I saw Dwalin leaning over me, his usual seriousness replaced by a shit-eating grin I normally associated with the boys.

I glared up at him as best I could while i felt like screaming again, "Fuck off man."

And then... more dark...fun….

"Keller Edan! I did not raise you to be so rude to our friends!" My mother shouted from across the room (I guess we were at Beorn's if the giant honking bees were anything to go off of), "Apologize to Master Dwalin!" I woke up with groaning and in pain and this is how my mother greets me? What loving tenderness I am shown.

I glared even harder at the smug grin that threatened to split the warrior's face in half. "I am oh so 'sorry' that I yelled at you Dwalin. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"

Kili popped up into my line of sight just then, excitement rolling off him in almost visible waves. "Keller! You're alive! I thought you were gonna die and then we'd have to bury you here and Thorin would be pissed because if you're gonna die then you should be buried in Erebor for saving us an' all and- and"

"Enough!" I laughed now, grabbing the Prince's shoulders and pulling him into a hug of silence, "I'm alive so we shouldn't dwell on that too much!"

Jesus, this was like a living hell- soap opera levels of drama. I chuckled at his antics and I rolled my eyes before trying to stand up. 

Which didn't last long as I let loose a slew of curses and fell over after feeling searing pain that I had thought was just a part of my waking up return. "Son of a mother fucking orc!" 

"Keller! What is is?" Mom ran to me as I fell back down, "Why the hell did you think you could just get up?! You nearly bled to death a few days ago!"

I spluttered through my involuntary tears, "Days? How long was I asleep?"

"About three days- give or take a couple hours." Fili was there too now, shrugging like he wasn't totally concerned that I kept screaming (I could tell he was- eight months of travel will do that to a person).

I glared up at my friends and mother, "Wow, all we're missing is the fucking dog and we could call it a good ol' fashioned family reunion." I moaned as I fell back into a heap of hay. Fantastic. Just fucking peachy.

Everyone just laughed and I felt the urge to sink into the ground, jesus, when I said soap-opera levels of sappy, I think I missed the mark. It was worse. Like, reality-tv-keeping-up-with-the-fucking-kardashians-fucking-emotional-changes-and-sappy. Ok maybe not THAT sappy and dramatic (no one had thrown a bag at my face yet for being fucking rude). But when I passed out again I could have sworn that I heard a shitty laugh track like from those stupid ass sitcoms going on. Dear lord, help me.

~do do do do, whatchu doing? Idk, writing bad fanfiction???~

Dwalin stared down at the girl who had passed out again, "Well, at least she sleeps like the dead. Otherwise she'll wake up and kill us all."

Kieren, Keller's mother, laughed at this, "You met the beast and lived to tell the tale?" she seemed exceedingly surprised and clutched at her heart, "Dear lord! I am her mother and I barely survived her!"

Fili and Kili took that moment to launch into a story about their escapades with the monster that was a recently awoken Keller, leaving Dwalin to think. The last year (nay, the last decade) had been such a whirlwind of chaos. Thorin had gathered a company to reclaim his homeland, Dwalin had met Nori (who he was completely smitten with- but don't tell Dori- he likes his bits where they were), they had met an extraordinary human who had almost single-handedly killed Smaug AND Azog, said human girl was supposedly from a different universe. Not to mention, Dwalin thought with a rather impressed feeling coursing through him, they had retaken their home as they set out to do so. It was almost....humbling.....when he thought about it. He was such a small part in such a big event. Although, far be it from him to mention it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and kudos are much appreciated! I love to hear back from you guys! Also, opinions on whether or not I should use Gollum still or just have him be a miserable cretin who dies all alone in the mines.


	11. Keller goes awalkin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller goes awalkin' and some dammit-type things happen....again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this seems to be taking FOREVER to get to the actual plot of the lord of the rings (sans our poor shire babies).

The next few days were a mixture of painfully emotional and dreadfully dull. No one would let me get up and walk ('you'll break you leg- AGAIN- at this rate!') and I was beginning to go stir crazy.   
By the third day I was ready to kill someone if it meant I could get up off this infernal bed/hay pile. Beorn tried to calm me down as I stood but I wouldn't take any of his shit today. "Beorn, you may be almost four feet bigger than I am but I will not hesitate to attack you. I need to move and I need to move NOW." I growled as I left the skinchanger all by himself.

I made it to the stream by the edge of the field before I was surrounded by concerned dwarves. "What do you think you're doing lassie?!" Dwalin yelled as I tried to hobble faster to the other side. It must have only been up to just above my knees but it would have been even higher on the dwarves. Which made it easier for me to escape their insanity.

"Fuck off Dwalin, I want to move around." I shouted back, not even bothering to look as I made it halfway across the stream. 

"But Keller, " Kili yelled as I got further and further across, "What will we tell your mum? I don't want to die!"

I just laughed maliciously at that, "And I don't want to be stuck in bed like a cripple all day!"

"But you shouldn't be headed into the forest by yourself!" Even Fili had joined in on their moves, if the three splashes I heard as I finally reached the other shore of the stream, "What if you get attacked?"

I just pulled a gleaming knife from my shirt, "I'll be fine, fuck off you three." And I shambled faster into the cover of the trees. If they were going to be hover-moms about it, I was going to pull a Houdini on their asses. I just could NOT take any more of this.

~Keller.... they're just making sure you're ok...stop being so bitchy~

The forest was alive with chatter and the regular noises of the forest. And I had never felt more alive. The air coolly caressed me and I resisted the years of Disney/princess movie brainwashing and the urge to sing about nature. It was kinda difficult when I thought of how confused the boys would be and how amused my mother would be. But the thought of being dragged back into the cabin was enough to keep me silent.

Amidst these thoughts is when I heard it. It was like a pitiful cry of a baby. But, there weren't any humans in these forests as far as I knew. Probably shouldn't- aw who the hell cares? I threw my hands up in my internal speech and walked towards it. 

It was a wolf cub. Of-fucking-course. It looked severely malnourished and was surrounded by what were probably his dead litter mates. Man, if these had been the offspring of that awful wolf that bit my leg I would feel a little bad. The thing would not stop crying and looked to be horribly tiny. 

I looked around, scouting for any signs that the momma or poppa of this little fluff ball wasn't around. I saw what looked like tracks but they looked days- maybe weeks- old. I groaned, "Ugh, why is it always me?! And why is it so cute!?" I smacked myself on the head a couple times before kneeling down to look at the puppy. 

Female (whoops), couldn't be older than thirteen weeks old, super cute light grey coat and dark brown eyes. Why did it have to be so cute? I picked her up and when she didn't bite me I tried not to explode. I was equal parts 'awwwww' and 'dammit, I don't need another one!' but when she snuggled into my arms I just gave up. If the Valar kept this whole 'throw stuff at Keller and see what she does' thing up I would need to get better at saying no.

"Dammit, I guess I'll call you Skadi. Hello little huntress." Dammit, why do I get so attached so quickly.

Mom is going to KILL me. 

Fantastic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and leave your kudos!!!! They're like little pills of crazy-happy-times for me! Not to mention it helps motivate me! I think I may be uploading twice weekly at this rate but if not is has been more or less 5-8 days in between updates......sorry my lovely little dears.


	12. ALMOST....but no cigar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller gets chewed out, the crew heads back to Erebor, and decisions are made, plans put into action, and we're ALMOST to the fun action parts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I am SO sorry for not posting in almost a month. School decided to kick my ass, my girlfriend ended up being SUPER CREEPY, and I also had to go to the hospital TWICE!!!! And the meeting at Imladris should be coming up soon, so hold on babies! We're almost there~(totally didn't just put in a Disney reference right there.

~Dammit Keller, you were supposed to get attacked by a warg and the boys were gonna have to save you! stop finding cute animals! You can't keep adding more characters in! Damn you!~

As predicted Mother Dearest was NOT enthused about my newest find.

"ANOTHER ONE?! Freaking ANOTHER ONE?! CHILD DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO KEEP ONE THING ALIVE?????LET ALONE TWO???" My mother paced along the length of the cabin, face red with the exhaustion of having to yell at me for longer than the usual ten minutes.

I just shrugged and held the pup close to my face before turning to her and trying to imitate the cutest thing I could think of, "Yeah, but can you say no to this little face? She was just asking for me to steal her from her den."

"YOU FUCKING STOLE HER FROM HER DEN?!!!!!"

I winced at my error and clarified, "Well, she was surrounded by dead littermates and I think I saw tracks but they were at least two weeks old....so no?"

"DAMMIT KELLER WHAT THE HELL?!"Mom took a deep breath before she continued, obviously trying not to chop my head off like she obviously wanted to, "FIne,fine. But Skadi is YOUR responsibility. You will feed her, groom her, and train her. If I so much as see her and Rex trying to duke it out I will personally skin you alive and feed you to her." Her voice had lost the heat of her anger and was replaced by the coldness of seriousness and I knew without a doubt she would follow through on her threats if I didn't go through with my end of this deal.

I gulped loudly, "Yes mom, thank you for not killing me immediately."   
She glared at me, "You're lucky I love you otherwise I would've." and then she walked out to get some air before she really did throttle me.

And where were my lovely boys while this went down, you might ask? Well....

"That was bloody terrifying." Kili appeared from behind a barrel of ale and he looked rather shaken, "I thought you were scary when you hadn't gotten enough sleep...but that? That was scarier."

I felt the air of severity that had filled Beorn's home dissipate and I laughed, "Well, where do you think I got it from?"

Fili was the next to appear, a few yards away from his brother, hiding in a pile of hay, "Well, at least you didn't die right? I mean, I thought you were doomed when you walked into the forest but then your mum started screeching at you and I thought for sure this time."

Dwalin appeared from under a table (Why the fuck hadn't I seen them?) and chuckled,"Lass I would count yerself lucky she didn't. She looked very much prepared to make ya wish you'd never been born. Didn't know the anger was a family thing."

I rolled my eyes at this, "Well, like I told Kili, I didn't get it from my freaking dad, he was just shady as hell."

"Really? You haven't really ever mentioned anything about your dad before. Why isn't he with you guys right now, anyways?" Kili asked innocently, although from the look I was probably making he quickly tried to tack on, "Unless he's dead or something! In which case you don't really have to answer that!" 

I smiled at that and motioned to my mother, who was in the back learning how to throw a dagger (badly) from Dwalin. "When my mom was barely into adulthood, she met my father, and they fell in love, yadda yadda...got married, had me a year or so later, and for sixteen years were very happy. I even got twin brothers when I turned two...But my dad....The whole time we thought he was running a successful medical supply company- I guess that'd be an Apothecary here- he was actually dealing strong drugs to bad men around the world. My mom found out when I was fifteen and she was PISSED. She had thought all the things we had gotten over the years was hard earned cash, not money that had been used to ruin people's lives and so she left my father with me. My baby brothers didn't leave with us, they loved my dad too much.... and well, their marriage was terminated and I ended up moving out of the country to go and be a history major and then teach self defense classes in a cold land up above my home country. And until about a week ago, mom was living in a house she purchased from my grandparents." 

Kili's eyes were wide and Fili wasn't even looking me in the eyes. "I'm sorry I brought that up!" Kili shouted before launching himself into my arms.

I just laughed and patted the prince on the back, watching Skadi sneak up from behind him and waited until he was bitten and I heard the familiar 'ahh! she BIT me!' from the boys.

And just like that Kili had jumped right out of my arms and into the arms of his brother. "What in the bloody hell was that for?!" He rubbed at his shin where tiny tooth-marks shown through his pant leg. 

I hid my mouth behind my hand and giggled, "Well, at least it was your leg and not your arse or something even worse. " I wiggled my eyebrows, only to be interrupted by our two parental units approaching once again.

Dwalin clapped his hands together and caught our attention, "We're leaving for Erebor tomorrow morning. Pack up whatever and make sure you have it all or it will probably never be seen again."

Mom just smiled and looked over at me, "And don't forget to assemble a food pack for your pet, darling." Another shiver went down my spine and I resisted the urge to let my eyes widen almost impossibly in fear of my mother's silent disapproval.  
Tonight I would definitely sleep closer to the dwarves, maybe not even sleep at all. We were taking the horses anyways. If I could talk Fili into tying my horse to his maybe I could nap a little and not die. 

I turned from my family and waved my hand in the air, "Gonna go and ask Beorn if he has any food for Skadi to eat on the trip then...and find some more weapons, I really don't want you to kill me in my sleep Mom."

"I heard that you little brat!" Annnnd I'm gonna walk a little bit faster, I scooped up said wolf pup and made my hobbling retreat.

~It's the next morning and Keller slept ok....ish...~

I nearly fell off my fucking horse I was so tired. "Ugh....." I moaned, cupping Skadi to my chest as we went along at our slow pace. "Who's awful idea was this to go so fucking early?"  
A light smack on the back of my head reminded me, "I did you asshat," Mom chuckled, "And you would have been fine if you didn't always feel like I was trying to kill you."

I turned to look into my mom's green eyes, "What do you mean 'try to kill me?' you've clearly been pissed at me since I brought Skadi back two days ago. " She rode past me and shook her head and I muttered under my breath, "I swear I saw you in the corner of my eye when I was washing up the other day."

A laugh was all I got, and my mother continued on with her ride. I, on the other hand was just stupid tired and I nearly cried in relief as Kili offered to tie my horse to his so I could get some sort of shut eye.

"Man, did I ever tell you how much I love you man?" I slurred, tucking Skadi into a saddle bag and leaning into the neck of my stead.

~Dododo.....going to mirkwood, and Keller fell asleep for it AGAIN~

I woke up when Kili threw a particularly hard roll. "Hey! The fuck was that for?!"

He shrugged and pointed towards the opening of Mirkwood, several elves waiting for us. "Looks like Thranduil kept his word about giving us an escort."

Annnnd, speak of the devil, Legolas and some other guards stepped up to us (no doubt in an attempt to intimidate us). Legolas stepped up to us and bowed before speaking, "I see your mission was successful. Welcome back Your Highness...." He trailed off as he saw my mother, Rex, and Skadi (who was in Fili's arms- the softie), "And might I ask who your newest additions are?"  
I smiled, "Of course my friend," I gestured to each as spoke, "This is my mother, Kieren, my dog Rex, and my wolf Skadi.....I like to keep it interesting sometimes with my pet choice." I shrugged and snatched my puppy back from the fair haired prince under the mountain.

Dwalin chuckled in the background and I felt a blush threatening to creep up my face but like the angel he is, Legolas stepped back again and swept his arm over the entrance, "Pleasantries aside, let us escort you as swiftly as possible to the other side of my home."

~dodododododdodododododododo {tequila}~

The journey through the forest was....interesting to say the least. Kili fell into a vat of swampy water (and subsequently smelled of death and rot for two weeks), Fili got bit by a small spider and was more affected by its venom than the giant spiders (backwards little fucker), and my mother and Dwalin did fine, and Rex helped us kill a spider. 

And when we were at the edge, Dwalin looked ready to kiss the ground, he may not hate the elves as much as Thorin did (that ninny) but two weeks surrounded by some of his least favorite elves was not the way he wanted to spend them. I just laughed at him, "Dwalin, if you were anymore eager to leave this forest I would think you'd grow wings and fly far away."

Dwalin just glared, "That's not too far from the truth, but I mostly just want to tell Bilbo and Thorin that their favorite human is still alive and not dead like he thought. "

I tilted my head to the side, eyebrows scrunching, "And what do you mean by that? I thought you were sent out to just escort us from Mirkwood?"

"Well, we got a raven telling us that you were dying from Thorin and it said to hurry or you might have to be buried in Erebor and...." Kili trailed off, shrugging his shoulders and motioned around us, "I don't think you're new friends would enjoy having to drag your body across Middle Earth."  
Legolas hopped down from a tree above us, "I should think I would miss you terribly. Not only did you insult my father and live, but you have done many great things. It would be a loss all your allies would feel."

I blushed, "Thank you Leggles, that warms the cockles of my heart that does." And with that we parted ways (albeit with me handing out as many hugs as I could) and made our way to Dale and onto Erebor, onwards to my home.

~Do do do ...writin' bad fanfiction and never including travelling scenes because I'm awful~

Laketown was still an option but I insisted we go visit Bard in Dale, now that he no longer had the shame of having a crappy grandfather keeping him from rebuilding Dale (the dragon being dead probably also helped). And when Bard and the Bardlings greeted us I was glad I had made us go through here.  
"Bard! My friend, how do you fare this day?" I asked in all the pomp I could afford in my voice without puking.

He quirked an eyebrow at me, "I fare well, but you seem to be miraculously healed after your grievous injuries last I saw you."

I waved a hand, "It was nothing I couldn't handle. But how rude, let me introduce to you my family!" And I began my spiel again, tacking Skadi's name on last second.

Sigrid was pretending to look disinterested, but I could see she wanted to hold Skadi ,"Sigrid, darling, could you hold Skadi for me while I help the boys unpack and find a place to stay for the night? Shouldn't take more than-"

"You will be staying with us in the castle, I insist." Bard interrupted me. 

"Well, that solves that, but you may continue to hold Skadi." 

"Aw! Thank you Keller! She is so cute!"

~dododododo so close but so far away!~

The night before had been spent merry making and reacquainting ourselves with our friends (not like that! Get your head outta the gutter) and now , in the early hours of the morning (why always the early morning?) we set out for Erebor again. Not that it wouldn't take us less than two hours and that we could have left later and let me sleep a little more.....

But when I arrived at the gates I gave up all the bitter feelings I held. Thorin, Gandalf, and Bilbo were all waiting for us at the gates and Bilbo looked like he wanted to both strangle and hug us.   
"Keller! You're back!!!"

I laughed, jumping from the back of our ponies, "My dear Bilbo! It is so good to see you! And you Thorin- or should I say- King under the mountain?" I smiled and accepted the hobbit as he threw himself into my arms. 

"We have much to discuss Keller. Now is not the time to bother with pleasantries. " Gandalf the dick-face said. And I resisted the urge to flip him off as I hugged Thorin and Bilbo silly.

"Gandalf, I just spent a good month or so getting the tar beat out of me by fate, let me revel in some fun." I opted to roll my eyes instead. "We can discuss the ring later." Because the only reason he would be so anxious had to be that. Or he found another thing for me to break.

"Keller, go and do whatever the wizard wants honey, or you'll never hear the end of it." Mom was rolling her eyes, I just know it, it was almost palpable through her tone of voice from behind me, "You told me yourself it was important."

I groaned, letting go of my friends, "Dammit, why is it always me." I trudged over to the Istar, "Alright man, what do we have to talk about other than going and tossing that into the fire like it should have been a long time ago?"

"You should not speak of such an item of power in such a care-free way!" Gandalf admonished but didn't stop dragging me along the halls of Erebor to the room I'd been in before I'd gone to my home-world again. "And yes, we must discuss the next actions to take to destroy this accursed thing once and for all."

I shrugged nonchalantly again, despite the fact that dread and fear were curling their way through my insides. If I went on this quest, it would not end well. Well, maybe I'll live, there shouldn't be too many nasties running around Mordor right now. "We'll have to go to Mordor as soon as possible. The place shouldn't be too crowded right now with anything nasty. And if we wait any longer more and more will crowd them. And it can't be just us. We should call upon the other races to help. Meet in Rivendell and have a council. Dwarves, a hobbit, and a handful of humans can't do it alone. We will fail. " I sat down on my bed, letting Skadi run around the warm furs. I totally wasn't manipulating Gandalf into the path of Lord of the Rings, totally.  
"Your council is for once, " The wizard smiled, "More sound than your desire for chaos."

My mouth fell open in disbelief, "Did you just make a joke Gandalf?" Other than his normal flippancy between serious and sarcastic/rude. "My good lord, he is capable!" 

The istar simply smirked and left my apartments with a chuckle behind his, "I shall send your family up then."

~my dear god Gandalf, you're not being a dick or ruining a nice moment!!!~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, your reviews and little comments give me life,and as summer approaches I feel I will have more time to update and write to....hope for that? And any and all kudos are welcomed, they give me life!  
> Thanks guys  
> -Sylver out


	13. We go a questin'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller goes to Mirkwood, then to Imladris, then moves over to the council for the ring...featuring Arwen and Keller's undeniable girl crush on her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyy guys....sorry about not updating in forever, like I say every time, real life's a bitch and constantly flipping me off. But now that schools out for summer I can get away with sitting in my room and typing away. And here's an extra long chapter for sticking with me!

"I do not like this idea." Thorin growled as I rolled my eyes, "Bilbo has only just been let into my life, I will not send him off on some horrible quest after his first one is only just over."

Bilbo was beside his love also rolling his eyes aggressively, "Thorin, I won't die because you can't accompany me."

"Thorin, Bilbo will be fine. Maybe a little more travel-worn, but otherwise fine." I folded my arms across my chest and planted my feet firmly in the throne room, trying not to smack the newly crowned king. "Or do you forget he is the one who helped you the most during this quest when I was busy screeching like a silly girl."

Thorin was trapped, and he knew it (if his determined look was anything to go by), but he would be damned before he let me take his love out of the protection of the mountain, "I-I know he is capable of this....." He whispered, "But what if neither of you can be protected during the trip. What if you get attacked and you can't defend yourself and are injured- or worse- KILLED. What if-"

I rolled my eyes (at this rate my eyes would roll out of their sockets) and stopped him before he hurt himself, "Dear Lordy Thorin. Bilbo and I will be fine. Remember, you're talking to a dragon slayer and the girl who fought the pale orc and lived. And Bilbo freaking found the Arkenstone. We'll be fine, he is a smart hobbit, I'm a rather stupid child but I have some strength. We'll be fine, besides, you need to keep my mother company while I go to the council in Rivendell. And then, we'll volunteer for the quest and be fine. Promise Thorin."

The King under the mountain sighed and looked over at Bilbo, taking his hand carefully, "You promise to not follow Keller in her normally dangerous endeavors without someone else to help save you, should you choose to help her on this deadly quest?"

I resisted the urge to tell him that in sixty years it would be way more fucking difficult. And opted to contain my squeals as Bilbo whispered something in Thorin's ear that made him blush and chuckle. "Very well, I will see you when you are finished with your newest adventure. Hopefully Erebor will have been restored to it's former glory by then." FINALLY.

~tralalalalalalalala, going to Rivendell with Leggles,Gandalf the serious wizard of no fun (jk), and bilbo and Keller- Valar preserve us~

Another two/three months of travelling (with less secrecy this time so slightly less camping on the roadside) with only men and I felt like I may have never wanted to look at another male of any species again without wanting to stab them. Jesus fucking Christ, this was worse than last time because they were so mopey and all love sick (in Bilbo's case) or overly serious (Leggles and Gandalf) not to mention that Skadi was with Mom at Erebor so I didn't have even the littlest bit of estrogen where I could pretend I had a confidante to confess my frustrations to. How the hell did I make it through the first quest.

But arriving in Imladris made me so happy I nearly screeched in happiness. I think Arwen might be here and that would literally make me so happy. "Oh my gods I need a hot bath."

"You took one a few days ago, and you look pretty clean to me?" Bilbo questioned and if I wasn't so done with his love-sick-lost-puppy-self I probably would've been a little nicer.

"Bilbo, if you want to see Thorin in one piece I suggest you not question the bathing habits of a woman who is sick of her male companions." I growled and rode on ahead.  
Lindir saw us and greeted us with all the courtesy I valued in the elves of this place (Fuck you Thranduil, you bi-polar, rude-ass, sonuvabitch), "Friends, welcome to the Rivendell. Lord Elrond is expecting you."

I smiled at Lindir, "Why thank you Lindir, I expect that we will stay in our rooms from last time?"  
The Elf smiled at me, "Of course Lady Keller. I shall tell Arwen she can expect to meet you at dinner finally, she has heard much of you from the people. They all speak of great deeds and your endeavours over the last year."

I blushed, "Excellent."

~hehehe, I am a little shit who doesn't know how to wrap shit up and transition~

 

"The bards tell of your killing the bane of Durin's Folk? Is it true you killed Smaug?" Arwen sat next to me ( keep it together Keller, it's just your childhood hero) and she smiled as I probably looked like a fish out of water.

"Yes, although it was a bit harder when you realized that Smaug wanted to keep me as a plaything." I shivered in revulsion at the memory and Arwen looked disturbed as well.

Bilbo looked horrified beyond belief though, "WHAT?! You never told me that?! And I let you go by yourself after him?!!"

I laughed, "Bilbo, it was either me against Smaug or you dear. And I love you like a brother by now, so I would rather go up against the creepy dragon than my dear little brother."

"Hey! I'm technically older than you!" He squawked at me and the rest of the table, who had been paying rapt attention to our conversation laughed heartily at our antics.

I just turned a brilliant shade of red and decided I could probably sink into the floor if I prayed to the Valar hard enough. Damned mouth, always acting before I could think properly.

~

"This meeting was called between us all for the express reason of this." Elrond motioned for Gandalf and he came forward, letting the wizard put the ring on the center pedestal-thingy.  
And as expected, everyone gasped (I think I heard someone scream actually).And I laughed into my hand as discretely as possible. 

"You think this funny?!" One of Thranduil's mirkwood members (that sounds dirty-hehe) growled and I sighed.

"I'm pretty sure someone screamed, and I'm laughing because of that. Trust me, the ring will be a nuisance on the quest but the thing will be destroyed within two years time." I reassured him, placating not only his whiny ass but the others of the council who all looked slightly horrified I had laughed.

"And how can you be so assured of this?" Another elf asked, eyebrow impossibly close to his hairline. "It's not as if you have foresight."

Gandalf looked at me, and I heaved another sigh, "Actually, I do. But I've messed with this timeline, so there should be less death. Trust me, in sixty years this would have been a much harder mission."

"Sixty years?" Someone called out

"She's batty, no one can see the future anymore."

"She's a gift from the god's that's for sure."

ELrond silenced the budding chaos with a raised hand and a look that sent chills down my spine, "And what, pray tell, do you plan on doing to destroy the ring? Because the only way to destroy that accursed thing is to cast it back into the flames from whence it was forged in. ANd that is in Mt. Doom in Mordor, a land many do not enter for fear of the horrors that lie within."

I shrugged my shoulders and waved my hands about as calmly as possible," I'll need a few other members, but I think if we were to take the ring to Mordor now, there would be significantly smaller amounts of dark creatures to fend off. Not to mention that Lady Galadriel has banished Sauron from the realm for a good few years. Destroying the ring will be emotionally and physically taxing, more than is possible to be done by one person. But I am willing to head that group if you'd all be willing to let me. Though I cannot bear the ring." I added with a small smile.  
Bilbo, the darling, of course volunteered, along with Leggles (seriously my favorite person ever), Gandalf, Arwen (that was a bit of a shocker- I must say), and Kili and Fili and Gimli, who was finally 75 and could join a god-damned quest. 

"There are eight of you, and you shall forever be known, henceforth, as the Fellowship of the ring." I clamped down on the scream that threatened to escape me.

~HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH told you guys I'd get there eventually!!! Now if only I could write transitions~

"You're going to need more armor than that Keller, these are not ordinary orcs and other dark creatures." Arwen advised as I strapped my weapons on to my belt and no armor.  
I laughed, "I fought the Azog the defiler with maybe just a breastplate on. I'll be fine against these normal ones. Besides, Uruk-hai haven't been invented." Hopefully.

"Uruk-hai?"

"Think less revolting orcs with bigger brains and brawn, and a serious love of the dark lord." I added a few more daggers to quiet my companion. "Are you sufficiently happy with all the weapons I have on my person now?"

Arwen giggled, "I guess if you have that many weapons, the question of armor becomes irrelevant because all your weapons are protecting you."

I took my friend's hand (it's kinda hard to think we're friends when I spent most of my childhood worshiping her) and we walked out into the halls to find those little delinquents.

~ no transitions for moi, cuz I suck~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments and kudos are greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading thus far and I hope to see you guys until the end.   
> ♥ Sylver


	14. We are rolling people! Let's act like it!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller is on the job! On the quest! ....now if she could just stop getting into trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok.....fuck, I said in the first book there were Uruk Hai and in this one I said they DIDN'T exist..... so until I fix that please know that Uruk Hai DO NOT exist I am just really bad at writing things....I also didn't plan on this second book....sorry man!

The journey led us to yet another ungodly early departure time, with Elrond seeing us off with all the restraint a man who thinks he's sending his child to death can. He even threw in a "Good luck my friends, and Keller, make sure Arwen stays out of trouble." As if that would happen, I feel like she'll probably be saving my butt more often than I her's.

"Keller, are you sure you're awake? You just almost tried to steer your horse into that ravine." Kili pulled my horse back onto the path and I was grateful I had told Gandalf he could handle the whole 'leading us to Mordor' thing, because at this rate I was going to die of sleep-deprivations and bad horse maneuvering skills.

I shook my head harshly and slapped my cheeks to try and wake up more, "I, uh, I just need to wake up. God, if only you guys had coffee here. All my problems would be solved then."  
"Whats coffee?" Fili asked as he pulled up from behind us, "Is it a food?"

I smiled at him, "Nah, it's this usually rather bitter drink that is filled with energy-giving stuff and people use it often where I am to wake themselves up."

The boys looked at me in reverence, "Coffee sounds amazing."

Gandalf snorted from the front, "I heard the blue wizards once mention a similar concoction, it nearly killed them they said, because they were so awake they could not sleep for days."

The reverent looks were gone only to be replaced by thinly veiled horror, "And your people drink that in the mornings like it's a regular thing? Keller, your people are truly hard to kill as it seems." Kili, you are so weird sometimes (and rather attractive-but he has Tauriel so no kissing the hot princes yet....aww).

I shook it off and just pointed to the mountain ahead of us, "There's my kingdom. We cannot go through it because I have NO treasure and I kinda promised them a bunch the next time I came a-knockin'." I smiled as nicely as I could but the entire company took this chance to glare holes through me.

"And you failed to mention this at any other time while we were making our way over them the first time?" Gandalf asked quietly, and even from the back of the group I could hear it and the tone he was using struck fear into my core.

I laughed nervously,"It...slipped my mind?"

The wizard glared at me, "I have told you to never return to that place. This was an outcome I thought would happen. They see you as a ruler, but you are never present. Sooner or later they will revolt and when that happens pray help from above my friend."

It was at that moment a horde of goblins and a few stray orcs fell upon us. Great, just great. I JUST got better from the last fight I had, why do the fates hate me?!

"Grab your weapons!" Legolas yells as he shoots a particularly ugly fellow who was trying to get near me while I scrambled to grab a sword and threw one of my shittier daggers into the face of a goblin who was trying to gut Kili.

"WHY.DOES.THIS.ALWAYS.HAPPEN.TO.ME!" I screeched angrily as I finally found my fucking sword and went to hacking apart the monsters as quickly as I could.

I think I heard Fili and Kili laughing because just then a Goblin head fell on me, blood splattering on my shirt and I felt rage build up in me again, "BOYS!"

They scrambled away, right into another orc who was wielding a nasty battle axe. Without even thinking I screamed bloody murder and threw another dagger, barely missing Fili's face and hearing the horrifying sound of my weapon falling to the ground. 

Luckily this meant that the orc was distracted by the sound and Fili was able to jump away and make an opening for Arwen, who shot it in the face-like it deserved. Jesus this was almost as bad as the time I had fought the spiders (feel free to shiver at the memory- I know I did). 

In the midst of my distraction, y'know, trying to save my friend, I felt a goblin blade pierce my side."Are you mother fu-gah!" I fell over as the blade twisted in my stomach area. I whirled and stabbed the creep who had gotten me, leaving the short blade in my side and not allowing me to bleed to death. "Not again!" I groaned and staggered over to Leggles so he could help defend the side with a handle stickin' outta me.

"Do you just attract trouble Lady Keller?" Legolas asked exasperated, "You seem to have a penchant to being hurt."

I groaned as I parried a poor thrust from a rather stupid looking orc and repaid him in full, a nice clean slice across the throat before answering Leggles, "It's not like I actively try to get hurt, monsters and weapons just seem to think I look yummy enough to sink their teeth into!"

Somewhere in the back I think I heard Gimli laughing at me as he slaughtered this seemingly endless wave of creepy-crawlies. "Not funny Gim! I will stab you nex-ugh- next!" 

"Wouldn't dream of it lassie!" Was the reply as the horde suddenly dwindled, leaving me room to limp over to a saddle bag that had fallen off, "Who would laugh at such a terrifying spectacle?"

Arwen glared at me (I swear I could feel her gorgeous eyes boring into the back of my head), "And I have plenty of armor she said,hmmm? I think you are a liar my Lady."

"Is it just make fun of the injured person day?" I asked , "Because if so, could you kill all the monsters first before you mock my talent for getting injured?"

~Monsters have been slayed, heads have been cleaved from their shoulders, and Keller's still bleeding~  
I ripped up a stretch of fabric, tying it onto my poor side after pulling out the blade and sticking an equally hot blade onto the top of the skin (it's not like I was gonna fucking sew myself shut!) and searing the skin together. Arwen watched in horror.

"You humans are truly terrifying. You barely screamed."

I shrugged, "My throat hurts enough from earlier, I figure I can scream about it the next time I get stabbed."

Kili popped into the conversation for that, "NEXT TIME?"

Bilbo joined in his sentiments, "Young lady there will be NO NEXT TIME!"

I winced at the loudness, "Sorry man, but with my luck there will be several "next time"s...Its just something I have to deal with, being this awesome is sometimes more trouble than it's worth...." I trailed off, not quite sure where I'd been going with that thought.

Gandalf just huffed at our sentiments, "While it is heartwarming to watch this, we have a pressing quest at hand. And it must be dealt with as swiftly as possible. Every day we wait is another day that allows the enemy to regroup."

Wow Gandalf...you are not helping yourself on the "we hate Gandalf the dickface" front.

~Seriously gandalf stop being a dick face, I did not originally write you like this~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the mess up guys! And also for the hella slow updates...I'm on vacay in California right now and I haven't had much wifi during it. I should upload the next chapter in like....two weeks at the most.
> 
> ♥ Sylver  
>  Comments and kudos appreciated, you can tell me what you want to see and I will try to incorporate it...because at this point I have basically nothing planned past the next chapter and that just involves some awkward fights and flirting....


	15. Fight me Fili (and other things...)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keller is getting fidgety.... not too much fighting but some flirting goes on....Keller needs to keep her pants on Jesus Christ woman you so thirsty!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made this one extra long as an apology for my spotty updating....also you have a choice at the bottom of the chapter that I need your guys opinion on.....and the next update should be in less than a week if you all actually read this chapter and help me with the choice. Enjoy!

Day in and day out we rode on horseback to Mordor, the landscape all kind of blurring together as we hurried to get over the mountains I was technically the sovereign of. Jesus fucking Christ how could I have enjoyed this last year?!

Fili pulled me out of my thoughts as I nearly rode into a tree (again), "Keller, are you alright?"

I sighed dramatically, "I don't know man, last year this was so exciting I didn't mind running around forever to get places, and now I just want to take one of Legolas' arrows and stab myself in the eye."

He laughed, "You are really fidgety aren't you?"

I rolled my eyes and gave him a pointed look, "What do you think- Oh great prince?"

He huffed and mimicked me, "Yes, and you're driving everyone insane with your constant switching between completely quiet contemplation and non-stop complaining about the trip."

I pouted, "Surely not everyone-"

Everyone interrupted my protests with a "YES, EVERYONE."

"Wow, and I thought you all loved me." I pouted even more, before turning to face Fili as we rode over what was hopefully the last ridge- and DAMMIT! There's like another four! "I just need action, last time we were always so high strung hoping we weren't gonna be attacked during our secret mission I had no time to contemplate or complain-much- and now it's just fucking riding day in and day out." I pulled up my tunic, exposing the tender pink (but fully healed) scar tissue from the stabbing earlier. "I'm so bored Fili...."

Arwen must have heard us and swung back to talk to us, "Might I suggest we all spar tonight as soon as we settle down for the night? If we spar as much as possible during the day I believe your boredom will be alleviated..."

My eyes widened as I suddenly realized I was a fucking idiot, "Arwen you are a genius! Oh OH! Fili! You and Kili can spar with me first and make me look awesome kicking your butts and then me and Leggles can spar and I can feel all dumb because he is all awesome and stuff and I can't really fight against an experienced warrior like him!" I felt more excited than when I had first landed in ME and thought about the first quest. All my pent up energy was going to escape! YAY!

~Jesus-fucking-Christ Keller, do you suddenly want to be diagnosed with ADD? Because you   
are showing signs of ADD...that would actually explain a lot~

We settled for camp and my muscles were nearly screaming in anticipation of sparring and getting the energy I had stored out of my body. "Ok, now that we're all ready for camping and Bilbo is an angel and making us dinner, who wants to spar?"

Gimli, Kili and Gandalf all paled and mumbled about helping Bilbo with dinner. Leaving Arwen, Leggles, and Fili to fight me. "I'll go first." Fili volunteered, looking as though he was being sentenced to death.

I grinned wickedly, "Excellent."

I pulled out my daggers, opting to face Fili with blades (as he was facing me with his broadsword and a dirk that looked a lot like a Russian one I'd seen once upon a time). We both tried to show off as we sized each other up, twirling the blades with expertise and cocky dance-like moves as we circled, neither one of us willing to be the first to make a move.

After a few moments of agonizing dance Fili lunged, while I jumped out of the way and blocked a strike with both daggers in the shape of an "X" in an attempt to keep his sword from getting into my flesh.

"Is that the best you can do Keller?" He taunted, laughing as I feigned right and shot left, slicing his ratty older tunic and expertly missing his skin (it wasn't really an expert miss, more like I thought he was closer than he was). 

"As if you could best me little lion." I laughed along with him, hissing as I felt a cold blade ghost across my arm. "Shit man! That was close." 

He smirked, rolling to the side as I threw on of the daggers at me, "Look who's talking, girl-with-a-shit-ton-of-names."

I charged, jumping as he crouched and taking the long drag of the broadsword against my stomach with nothing more than my usual string of cusses. I needed that other dagger back man, and if getting a little sliced up was what happened, then so be it. 

We got immersed in our battle, dancing like we had been born doing it, (although I was hit more than he was). Leggles and Arwen cheered occasionally and I beamed at their praise, but Fili was still fucking standing and our round wouldn't be over until otherwise. I would swing a short blade at him, he would block perfectly. He would swing down and try to get past my defenses and I would block him with that "x" shape. It was a bit tiring.

"Getting tired Keller?"

"In your fucking dreams Fili."

"Oh but you're always in them darling." OH HO HO?! Did he really just say that?

I stopped for a moment, letting him dissect my stance as we both huffed and puffed in the fading sunlight. "Aw, I am touched, little lion, that you think of me that way."

He fucking lost it, his composure cracked and he blushed darkly, "Th-that's not what I meant!"

I strode up as he seemed to forget what the hell we had been doing, allowing me to get next to his face, "Of course not little lion, I assume it's much dirtier than that."

A high keening noise left his mouth and he turned an impossibly dark shade of red, fuck this was so much fun, and I simply pushed him over with little more than a soft tap. 

"That was the most fun I've had in a while." Kili appeared from behind a tree, looking like a kid in a candy shop, "I don't think I've ever seen him such a dark color."

I chuckled darkly, "What can I say? It's a talent. Making people uncomfortable is a specialty." I smirked and walked away as the sun set even more, making it's way into the mountains and I winced when no one was looking, I smelled like a fucking corpse.

~Ew dead people do not generally smell good Keller, but I cant just give you a magic fucking shower....dammit child what am I gonna do with your smelly ass?~

"Ugh, what in the Valar's name died, came back to life and barfed on you before dying again and landed on you Keller?" Bilbo scrunched his nose up.

I smiled awkwardly, "Yeesh Bilbo, if you were gonna react like this I woulda taken a bath or something...."

"That's a nice sentiment but that doesn't answer the question Keller." Gandalf piped up from behind Bilbo, his face scrunched up in equal disgust.

Kili butted in and explained, "She's been sparring with Fili, but ended up making him blush and act like a child when she teased him about-" He seemed to realize something and clammed up, pointing to me to finish.

"Fili made a joke about me being in his dreams, I took advantage of that and he made this weird noise- Bilbo do you think he's ok?- and I tapped him and BAM! down he went." I elaborated, (Arwen and Legolas looking as thought they were suppressing a laugh-immortal five year olds that they secretly were) while Gimli looked like he was making lewd remarks in Igleshmek. 

Fili chose this moment to appear, "So what did I miss?"

"everything brother of mine, " Kili smiled evilly, "And no one, " He glared at us, "Could explain what happened here, right???"

"Right." We all chorused.

I felt tired, I felt hungry, but looking at the laughing faces around me I felt warm and loved. Arwen was my friend (and I totally wasn't over the moon about that- it'd been a year- I was like, over a mountain about it now). And when I went to bed that night I felt like I had made a great decision staying in this world.   
~  
Riding over the mountains was mercifully short after that. Every day we rode as hard and fast as possible and at night I sparred with Fili and Legolas (Arwen did archery with me during lunch and didn't want to hurt me- I think she was just acknowledging I would be destroyed if my childhood hero beat the shit out of us). 

"Contemplating life again?" Kili smiled as I shook out of my thoughts and reaffirmed that yes, we were going through Rohan still.

I let out a sigh, "Ehhh more just wandering through my thoughts than any heavy contemplation. " I looked over to Fili who had been trying his damnedest to beat me at sparring most nights since our first- not that I let him, I used that first night against him as much as possible and as such he was no longer talking to me. "Is Fili really that mad at me about that first night? He hasn't been talking to me lately."

Kili gave me a look, "No...it's just...." He looked like he was trying to choose his words carefully...there's a first. "He, uh, its more complicated than tha-"

Our suddenly serious conversation was interrupted by the shout of our entire group going, "Orcs! Grab your weapons!" Except, looking at the group of dark shapes moving towards us I felt more like it was probably the fucking Uruk Hai- damn you Saruman!

I grabbed a dagger and a short-sword and tossed an axe to Kili, nodding to him as we both moved to defend our still scrambling (at least everyone that wasn't elvish that is) questmates. "Too late for our tete-a-tete then?" 

He grunted as my fears were confirmed and a rather large band of Uruk appeared in all their not-quite ugly glory. Kili slashed through armor and cracked skulls with brutal force and I snuck in and got whatever he hadn't quite disposed of. We worked as a deadly force against this band while Leggles and Arwen worked on picking off the scouts that were coming over the hills. The rest were struggling to get the weapons out and Gandalf wasn't being helpful, muttering to himself and seeming troubled wasn't really that useful.

"Guys? If you could maybe just-augh- hurry up and help- gah!- that would be really nice." I got out in between ragged breathing and slashing Uruk throats.

"I'm trying!" Bilbo yelled and I felt a little bad for yelling at him- he was just trying to help me- but stopped my guilt when I was almost stabbed by a black blade and facing an Uruk who looked a lot like Snooki. 

He growled and charged me again and I felt like this was something that was going to get old soon, so what to do when faced with yet another thing that wanted to kill me? I pulled a Star Lord, because I am a goddamned idiot, "Come on dude, dance off- you and me." and then began singing a very VERY off-key version of "Chains of Love" by Erasure. Which was accompanied by my very best "white dad at a barbeque" dance moves. And some blocking moves against his now much slower and confused blade thrusts.

"...what in the valar?" I heard from behind me and then a , "...She is a bloody idiot and I am going to kill her myself." Fili popped up, the owner of the voice and stabbed the Uruk hai for me.

I faked a pout, "Aww, you ruined my dance off..."

He turned to me, eyebrows raised and eyes wide, "Are you literally kidding me?" He pointed at the ugly super-orcs around us with his sword, "Do you not see the orcs we just fought? And you wanted to dance like you're severely drunk."

I didn't get a chance to ask where this sudden burst of extra protectiveness came from but the golden prince stormed off to do...whatever it is that angry, frustrated (not like that you perverts!) princes do. I turned to Kili, "What the hell was that about?"

He just sighed, as though something was weighing on him, "Nothing Keller, he's just a bit moody since he didn't sleep well yesterday..." 

I took his word for it and just kept myself busy by cleaning the black blood off my weapon before they rusted and gave me a disease. "Men are so weird...no matter the species." I muttered under my breath.

"That hurt my -how did you put it? OH yes- that hurts my "delicate sensibilities"" Legolas feigned hurt, placing a hand over his heart and the other on his head like one of those ridiculous southern belles from the old war movies right before they fainted.

"You are though! I don't understand what Fili's so mad about! I was perfectly safe and the Uruk wasn't going to hurt me, so why did he get all pissy about it?" I grumbled, folding my arms and huffing as I finished my cleaning and stared at my friends who were all making camp and burning the bodies (not necessarily in that order though).

Legolas rolled his eyes, "Are you really that blind?"

I screwed my eyebrows together in confusion, "What? What am I missing?"

The prince almost answered me before Gimli burst forward, "Lassie. Bilbo wants your help with dinner, something about "not wanting to skin another bloody animal" I dunno, he's a weird man."

I scowled at the dwarf but followed him anyway-Legolas was about to tell me something!- I had an obligation to my little hobbit bro. He'd been pretty neglected on this trip while I was busy teasing Fili. "Heyo little brother, what's this about another skinning?"

He glared at me from lower down, "Excuse me young lady I think we've talked about this- I am older than you!"

I laughed and blushed red, "Sorry Bilbo. But seriously, what's this is about a skinning project for me?" The boys had shown me how to skin an animal a while ago, and I was eager to prove I still knew how.  
Half an hour later and a lot of Bilbo breathing heavily I had a skinned deer. "Alright, there ya go darling brother o' mine. Make it into stew or something." One smack on the head and we were on our way to food!

Bilbo shook himself and then grabbed the deer (with my help, poor dear can only take so many pounds of quadruped) and we hacked it up and readied some to be smoked on a separate fire and the rest to be a yummy stew, which made my mouth water before it was even totally put into the pot.

~ One dinner sequence later (note to self: don't eat while writing)~

I put a fist in front of my mouth in an attempt to quiet my burp and apologized as Bilbo gave me a look. The fire was dying down and I felt perfectly content. Actually,think this is the most peaceful I’ve been since we left Rivendell. 

Gimli disappeared off to do something and returned shortly after with a barrel of something. “I got this when we stopped in that village and hid it in the wagon we purchased- tonight I say we celebrate life and our quests success thus far!” 

Well, shit, I couldn’t argue with that logic. I held up a cup that I kept in my bag (for whatever reason...I think it comes from my mother’s paranoid purse hoarding habits) “Aye! Gimli, do me a favor and let us drink deeply tonight!” God I was going to regret this tomorrow but whatever. As long as I didn’t like, propose to Arwen or anyone else I’d call it a good night.

~You are going to be SO hungover tomorrow child, what am I going to do with you?~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay first things first I have some questions I need you guys to answer  
> 1\. Do you think I swear too much? I mean, I swear this much whenever I'm not around my family but if it seems too much I need you guys to tell me.  
> 2\. Ok, so Keller has maybe three options concerning her love life (which I have no particular idea what to do with)  
>  a- she ends up with Fili  
>  b- she ends up with some random OFC (in which case a contest will be held to help me create this woman)  
>  c- she ends up with no one and is just friends with everyone  
> 3\. Do you think I should really go back and fix that Uruk Hai error or just eliminate all mention of them in these books?  
> Ok now that that's outta the way....   
> COMMENT AND KUDOS AS ALWAYS   
> Seriously, they're like little the highlight of my day. I swear they make me feel all giddy and stupid.  
> ♥Sylver


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